Just had the greatest laugh, when a google-image search of "japanese sperm" brought up a picture of NINO!

HAHAHAHA!

It's not that something happened..
I'm just often struck by just how difficult it is for me to be in a relationship.
It's not like I don't know how to take chances and blahblahblah, but I just have stuff that I have to sort out with myself, making it even more difficult to be someone's truly. And it's not that I'm not trying.
But all relationships has it's ups and downs.
And I know my friends often seem to think that the relationship I'm in right now has no problems at all, but the truth is that it's one of the hardest thing I've ever done. It's a battle every day, but we want to make it work.
But don't expect that I'm never unhappy in this relationship. Don't expect that I don't have any bad things to say about it.
Just because we seem so good from other people's point of view, I still need someone to talk to once in a while about how shitty things are.
And just because I say all this doesn't mean I'm gonna end it. I'm not.
We're happy together, though working really hard at getting to a mutual understanding of things...

And I'm still in love.

We just need to sort out some stuff.

I just feel so.. empty inside.
My feelings are put aside as I try not to listen to them. As I try to pretend they're not there. But I don't know. If I'm pretending, or if I really don't have any feelings? 
I don't even know what kind of feelings I want - What do I want to feel??
But it's useless, cause it's not about what I want to feel, it should be about what I do feel. But I don't know. I just don't know. I can't keep in touch with my emotions, they're everchanging, and yet always the same.
I don't know anymore who I am, what I feel, what I want to feel, and what I supposedly should feel.
I always care so much about what people think of me. I always want to have the rigth feelings about someone or something, so that everyone will be happy, and no one will get hurt. It's so confusing, cause I have real feelings sometimes too, I guess.
So I tend to think "Am I doing this because I have to, or because I love her/him?" - and I can't tell.
What if I love someone, and convince myself that I don't?
What if I don't love someone, but convince myself that I do?
What should I do?
How can I know a true feeling from a fake feeling?

I feel so empty and dead inside. Like nothing ever really reaches me.

And in the end it's all about selfdestruction that the eye can't see.

I don't feel particullarly sad right now. I'm just.. nothing.

! ! ! ! ! ! !

BUT ! ! ! !

What should we name it???

(and we don't approve of Garfield, or Tiger... unless it's NEON TIGER! Wha!)


Please giiiiif suggestions for a name :D :D :D 

   

    

Idk... -_-;

Anyway, I met up with a friend earlier today, at the mall, to buy hair-dye. I cut and coloured her hair ^__^; Right now she's rinsing out the dye - can't wait to see what it looks like. We ran low on dye, but I hope it works out anyway...

Tomorrow we'll go to an amusement park, so I really hope the weather's nice ^__^;; Wee~~!!

Hopefully I'll get my own hair done soon-ish. Maybe in a few weeks. Though I have to seriously save up so I can visit Japan again.
I also wanna buy a mirror :D
I wanna make like a corner for beauty-stuff, like a makeup-table - what's the correct word?? Anyway, need a new and bigger mirror :D It would be so cute ^__^; I hope it can be done!

This saturday I'll go to my parents house (in Sweden), and I'll be back on Thursday.
My girlfriend is going with me <3
I couldn't imagine not sleeping next to her. Since we started being together, we only spend a few nights apart. And in Japan we lived together, even just as 'friends'. (lol)

I'm watching Hana Yori Dango on dvd. HAHAHA!

If life would just be easy....!!
 

And if I was skinny and underweight as everyone else seems to be.
Go you >__>
Underweight is the new black

I'm so sad.

seems like I messed up everything.

I'm so tired.

I wish I could sleep for a month.

I don't wanna see anything, anyone, I don't wanna listen to anything, anyone.

It's all in Danish, but I thought you Danish people should take a look!!

And if anyone is interested in some of the things, I'll also ship to anywhere in the world - So in that case, contact me and I'll give you a price in EURO/US DOLLARS/YEN.... ^__^

What's my excuse for not updating (or commenting...)

Well, first off, I had my friend over - then I went to my parents house. I came home Saturday, but I came home loaded with stuff from Ikea. Sunday we went to a birthday...
Monday I went to my grandmother's house to finally pick up all the stuff I had stored in her attic while I lived in Japan. Damn, I miss Japan.... Anyway, so my mother helped me move all the stuff to my apartment. And then if was just boxes and furniture and Ikea-stuff everywhere. In the meantime my girlfriend went to pick up our new couch and when she arrived with it, it was basically just chaos.. Aaaah!!!
So we spend Tuesday and Wednesday just cleaning out and emptying boxes and rearranging the furniture...
I'm so tired...!!

Right now I'm just waiting for Dina and miasachie to arrive....  But it'll probably be a few hours... booohooo, so late. Later Anne will come over, and when my girlfriend arrives we'll eat and then go for the midnight premiere of HARRY POTTER ... YAY! :D I found a school-uniform-ish outfit to wear. Maybe I'll take pictures..... :O Maybe....

And about the Japan-trip - I'll send out a mail soon-ish to those of you who are most likely going with me...

And, Mitte, it's not possible for Rikke to get off work from the 20th till the 24th. And she has been sick and away from work too much, so calling in sick is not an option. I'm really sorry :( Besides, I reallyyy don't have any money....
But, you're very welcome here on the 24th!!!! I really hope you want to come. I'm really sorry that we can't come to your place :( :( :( I'm so sorry... :( I hope you read this here, but you usually do! ^__^;;;
Btw, when you come, please look at all the stuff I'll be selling :O (Btw, do you still owe me for those Arashi cds? I think u do... XD)

 Oh, well, I'll go now.
Maybe I can get to the library before the girlies come... Don't know if I want to though....

I've been having a friend over since Sunday, and Saturday I went to a family-thing. Hence, the lack of updating...
My friend is still here, though she'll leave in a few hours. Then I'm going to my parents house to stay till Friday. Hopefully the weather will be better so I can go to the beach. I soooo badly want to go to the beach....!! I now that I get the chance, the weather just sucks. It's cloudy and cold. A few days ago it was crazy hot and the sun was shining. Blaah..  I'm actually really disappointed, because the mainreason for going to my parents house was that they live near the beach. So I could bike to the beach and get tanned and get exercise too. ... But not....
Boohooo :(

Next week I'll hopefully get all my furniture and boxes that were left at my Grandmother's attic while I lived in Japan. It's been months since I came home, but I haven't had the opportunity to pick them up from her, or the place to store it. Luckily, I have both now, so I'm counting on getting the stuff next week.
Hopefully a sofa too, soon.
I'll get my bed home on friday, so that's cool. Yay, no more sleeping on silly madrasses (sp!?!?) on the floor!! ^_^/

Also, I really wanna go to Japan this spring (march/april).... But I really worry that I won't have the money... So we're debating if it should be july, during the school holidays!? - That way one of my best friends who can't go in march would maybe be able to come...
Well, I don't know yet. And the more I think about it, the more depressed I get, cause I don't know how to get the money, be it march or july.... :( :( :( :(

My previous entry started a whole discussion and I appriciate the comments I got. Sometimes I wish I could post something like that in a bigger forum where random people would read it, as I think it's an interesting and fascinating topic, and recieving feedback on that topic gives me somewhat of a kick.
I'd like to write more entries with actual content, though I also enjoy to rant about the everyday life that's right in front of me.

I've been thinking a lot lately about what I want, where I'm headed and why I tend to react on certain things. What ticks me off and what freaks me out.
And what I realize it... that I don't need to think so hard about it. What I want are some fucking awesome, mindblowing experiences, I'll even take the bad ones too. Cause that's what makes a life. I don't need to go out partying every weekend, even a conversation with someone can be an eye-opener.
I'm not gonna do anything great with me life in the usual sense, like an awesome job and a killer education - I'm not meant for that, I guess. But I can still have a full-filling life, even if I sometimes doubts that my life is worth more than shit.
What I want are just shivers down my spine, I want good friends and I wanna travel. I wanna be in contact with who I am, not hate myself, hurt myself.
It's all just talk, though I'm working really hard on not freaking out when someone get too close.
In a little over a week I'll have a 6 months anniversery with my girlfriend. And it's scares me. I don't wanna chicken out, but it still scares me.
I had bad experiences in the past, and though I tend to say that I don't learn from my mistakes, these things just change my perspective on love. So for a while, I just didn't "do" relationships. And yet I'm here now, trying to not break down, to not fuck things up. I don't know if I'm scared of getting hurt. Or if I'm scared of hurting others. But either way, it's cause I'm a chicken. But I try, and I really want to. Sometimes my personalities just fight eachother.
Anyway, to end all this serious shitload... :D Let's all go out and fall in love, maybe get our heart broken or break someone's heart. But guess what, it's okay. It'll all be okay in the end.

On another note, as I'm saving up for something I'm debating whether or not to sell off some stuff. I'm thinking about selling a ton of the magazines I have (Myojo, Duet, Wink Up, Popolo, Egg, Ageha, Ranzuki ect.). Maybe some singles/cd's/dvd's (Arashi, News, Tackey & Tsubasa, alice nine ad so on).
Oh well, I'll give all that some thought and maybe make a sales-post....

I'm sitting at my balcony (!?!) and the sun is killing me. I'm melting.... !!! I'm glad my skin is the way it is and that I don't get burned easily, but just get tanned. I wanna have a nice tan, not look like something out of an asian horror movie (especially since I dyed my hair darker...)

I sooooo miss living in Tokyo these days... Right now, I just miss the vendingmachines <3 The icy beverages <3 Aaaah, ooooh, how many of my entries have been tagged with the vendingmachines tag <3


Ps. I was reading this through, and sorry for all the swearwords XD I don't know what happened :D it's not that I'm mad or anything...

So, about sex and sexual orientation...
I think people tend to talk too little about it - Sometimes people tend to talk too much about it. Either way - I feel like talking about it sometimes too, whether it be too little or too much....
Anyway, sometimes I get these funny thoughts in my head, about sex. And I'm crazy-curious about people's sexual orientation :D
I'm sick of bisexual girls, honestly - Well, not the "real" ones, but the fake ones that really likes boys, but pretends to ocasionally like girls, thus calling themselves bisexual.
I mean, where are the real ones? The ones that don't prefer boys 95% and girls 5%?!
Well, it's not that I'm looking for someone, I'm quite okay in my relationship - I'm just thinking, you know..
It's like, just because you kissed a girl doesn't make you bisexual. There's this crazed hype about kissing and dating girls, but how many honestly go further than that? 
Maybe it's cause I'm rewatching the L word, which has really rekindled my love for lesbian girls. Where are they? I have so many female friends who call themselves bisexual, but who would probably never go down on a girl. If you're not gonna eat pussy, what's the point!? (Okay, there are some people who are completely disgusted about the whole oralsex-deal, but that's their problem...) But I mean, so-called "bisexual" girls who'd gladly date a guy, have sex with a guy, go down on a guy, marry a guy, have a kid with a guy... But wouldn't ever do any of those things with a girl... Are they "qualified" as bisexuals?? I'm not meaning to harm anyone... I know plenty of straight girls with tendencies towards the same sex. But I don't see them as bisexual. I see them trying to figure out who they are and how to define themselves. One of the things, for me, who "makes" a bisexual is someone who would actually have a long term sexual relationship with someone of the same sex. If I wasn't like that, I'd just be a girl who dated and slept with guys and occasionally slept with girls. But I'm not like that.
I see myself as one of the only full-on bisexuals in my current group of friends. I've onlly known a handful of "real" lesbians, and I dated most of them on way or another (be it short-term or long-term).
What I'm trying to say, if anyone kept reading this far.. is... I think it's a shame for the people that really try to work out how they feel. 'Cause it must be so confusing with so many people acting lesbian and then going back to their boyfriend. With everyone being so androgynous, it must be so difficult to figure out what team they play for.
I don't think we should put a tag on people, but sometimes I feel like it's okay to be tagged. (It works for me, being tagged. I'm most of the times tagged wrong though***)
I'm glad I figured myself out, more or less, before being bisexual became the new thing to do.

About myself, I can tell that I'm currently in a relationship with a (lesbian?) girl. I've been in long-term relationships with both girls and boys and I'm open to my lifepartner being either male or female. I've slept with both boys and girls, and if I do a count it seems like approx. the same number of each sex. I can often tag a girl as bisexual or lesbian, though with the recent boom of (gorgeous) androgynous girls popping up, it gets harder to figure out it they're the "real deal" or if it just a look.
Also, I don't like butch girls (Like Moira/Max at the L word - Well she turned out to not really be a "lesbian"...), though I "adore" (or admire?) girls like Shane. Girls that are fine with being a girl who likes to fuck other girls (and doesn't need a dick to do so). So for me, those two are not the same type. But whatever, this is not really about my preferences, cause I like just like people :D

I know this may seem like quite a weird entry, but I felt like talking about this subject. I'd love to hear about your opinions (or orientation *is bricked*) 'cause it's too intriguing what other people think about this. So, if anyone read this far, just leave the tiniest comment (or a longer one) - I'll appriciate it ^_^;;

I'm still alive...
I'm moving though, and I didn't set up an internet connection yet, so I can't really go online except for when I visit people.
I'll set up a connection soon, I just need money first!

I got a job. A pretty nice one actually! I think... Well, I'll see what it's like once I start, but at least I'll be making some money, right...  ^-^ 

I just finished reading a book and sometimes doing that makes me realize that there're so many things with my life that I could have done. Only, I didn't do them and it feels like it's too late. Maybe it's not, but it gets later and later .... 
I wanted to become a teacher, or a journalist, or a writer. Or maybe I should have went to university. Or studied more languages or learned about.. something..  I don't know... *sigh* 

Anyway, I just meant to say that I'm still alive and still using LJ and all that jazz... 
I just don't have a connection rigth now.

Also, I finished Bloody Monday *rolls over* Yeah.... ^^;;;;; 

Right now I'm at Rikke's place, but she's sleeping. Yesterday we watched some movies and stuff.. Ate food XD
We watched the Incredibles =D
Also, we're watching the OC on dvd because.. we can.. and because.. Seth is... i don't know, let me just say it - hilarious?! His sarcasm just goes straight to my, well, heart =3 I could have said my biceps, but I dont really get that part, so whatevs.. o.Ô

I'll go to my parents late tonight.
Its my brother's b-day, but mostly I just wanna use the PS3 and the PS2 cause I'm having really bad withdrawal symptoms. I just don't think it's okay, I mean, it's like my hands are shaking and stuff...